The Dumpster Fairy

A huge mass of people have gathered in a public park for a mass zombie LARP. As it gradually gets dark, the game gets more and more serious. If you get caught by the zombies, you become one of them, and the more humans fall, the larger the horde grows. We really don’t want to get caught.

As we flee, we stumble across a camp under an overpass, populated by a dozen or so homeless people- they seem to be the homeless-by-choice sort rather than the down-and-out sort. I try to explain the danger- the zombies are not far behind! But they say I have to talk to their leader, a woman called the Dumpster Fairy, and she won’t grant me a hearing without a proper offering.

Hastily searching around, I find some boxes of old junk laying about somewhere and hurry back to upend them into the dumpster by the camp. The Fairy seems quite pleased and even rewards me with a kiss in the cheek. So now I gather all the campers together and start to explain about the horde, and that we all have to get the hell out of here- but it is already too late- moans are coming from all around! I abjure everyone to stay as still as they can- these zombies hunt by motion, like velociraptors. If you stay perfectly still, they won’t notice you.

We are all remaining motionless, our eyes flicking between one another and the zombies shambling through the camp, when the Dumpster Fairy says, through clenched teeth, “Ny nose itches… I… I hashta shneeze!” and before I can say “Hold it!” she has already succumbed to a fit of sneezes. The zombies all turn as one and stumble toward her. Swearing under my breath I lean down and pick up a bunch of stones and start pelting the mass of undead around her. “Hey! Over here, assholes!” I shout, waving my arms and dancing around. They turn toward me, confused for a moment, until I bean several of them in the forehead with stones. With a dull moan they start toward me.

“Wait until they follow me, then run the other way!” I call over my shoulder as I lead the zombies into the darkness.

~ by oberonthefool on December 11, 2011.

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