Here Comes a New Challenger!

Versus, 2009.

Round 1
The Rock
The Rock
Hulk Hogan
Hulk Hogan.
The Hulkster isn’t taking any guff from the new kid. He executes a aerial spinning piledriver off the turnbuckle and puts Dwayne completely through the mat, leaving him wheelchair bound for the rest of his life.
Winner: Hulk Hogan.

Round 2
The pop diva’s hip-shakin’ moves get Terry so hot under the collar, he can’t think straight. “I… I can’t hit a woman!” he stammers. Beyonce has no such qualms, executing a perfect field goal kick to the junk.
Winner: Beyonce.

Round 3
Indiana Jones.
Indy tries to whip the sultry songstress into shape, but her catlike reflexes snatch his weapon in mid strike. She yanks him off his feet, wrapping the whip around his throat and putting a stiletto heel to the back of his head, she takes Indy out of the game with one sharp yank.
Winner: Beyonce (2).

Round 4
The two musical mistresses hold a dance off in front of a live audience to see who’s got the hottest moves. The crowd goes wild for Madonna, and boos Beyonce off the stage. Unable to face the fact that a woman 20 years her senior is still sexier than her, Knowles goes back to her trailer and eats a revolver.
Winner: Madonna.

Round 5
George Jetson
George Jetson.
Suddenly, the dance contest is crashed by George Jetson in his space-car. He looks like a dork, but his futuristic dance moves give Madonna a run for her money. The crowd is undecided, so both contestants bring in partners for the next round.
Winner: Draw.

Round 6
Madonna + Michael Jackson
George Jetson + Rosie the Robot.
Madonna and George dance until they both drop from exhaustion, neither able to overcome the other. But Rosie’s flawless performance of “the robot” sends MJ home crying.
Winner: Team Jetson.

Round 7
The Terminator
Through a time portal arrives a T-800, who immediately advances on George with a “Yar clothes. Gib dem to me.” Thinking fast, George uses his engineering knowledge to disassemble Rosie and rebuild her as a suit of power-armor, complete with vacuum attachment. After a brief tussle, Robo-Jetson sucks the T-800’s head off, where it is crushed into nothingness. Vacuums in the future naturally house portable singularities rather than messy filters and bags.
Winner: Robo-Jetson.

Round 8
Optimus Prime.
As Robo-Jetson is doing a victory dance, a huge semi comes barreling through the smoke and takes him by surprise, slamming into the cyborg future citizen with the force of… well, a barreling semi! As Robo-Jetson sails through the air, Prime transforms and leaps into the air, tackling him. The two combatants crash through a wall and tumble to a stop, with Prime on top. He draws his huge blaster and quips “No sacrifice is too great, in the service of Freedom.” as he puts two into the head of the helpless man-robot.
Winner: Optimus Prime.

Round 9
Quailman (Quaildog not included).
Sneaking up behind some nearby bushes, Quailman calls on the three powers of the quail: patience, intelligence, and… ooh, ouch. It looks like Quailman has been backed over by Optimus Prime as he transformed and rolled out. Bad luck there, Doug. Should have paid more attention to that beeping noise.
Winner: Optimus Prime (2).

Round 10
Arriving too late to save his master, Porkchop sets his sights on revenge, taking advantage of Prime’s difficulty navigating the parking lot in semi-form to quickly jump into the driver’s seat and urinate on the controls. As sparks start to fly, he leaps out the window and rolls to safety. Optimus tries to take robot-form to do battle, but his circuits are scrambled and he just ends up transforming into a bitch. Porkchop shows his disdain by mounting Prime’s tailpipe and leaving a deposit.

That’s all for Day 1 of the Versus Challenge. Rounds 11-20 are coming up, and boy are they doozies! It’s been patty-cake up till now- the upcoming battles get down and dirty, so bring lots of lube.

No, really. I mean it.


~ by oberon the fool on February 6, 2009.

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