Samuel vs. Zombie Doom Lincoln, FTW!
There’s this game I sometimes play with people while hanging around or waiting for stuff. It’s not even really a game so much as a way to flex the imagination while passing time. It’s simple- each player picks a contestant for a no-holds-barred one-on-one battle. The players throw roshambo. The winner describes how his or her contestant wins. The loser picks a new contestant. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Like I said, simple.
So I’m hanging out at Go Play Peoria, a micro-gaming-con last weekend, basically just a bunch of local folks getting together to play games all day. Several people had brought their kids, and one of them, a little girl named Mariah, and I were in between games. So I suggested we play Versus, and taught her how.
She starts off with Wolverine. I pick Batman. She objects that Batman is a DC character, and I say it doesn’t matter- there are NO limits on contestants. We throw, she wins. Wolverine simply dices up all of Batman’s gadgets until he’s all out of toys. Batman retreats to restock and re-plan. Next up, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man webs Wolverine’s arms to his sides, making his claws useless, and leaves him hanging from the side of a building, unharmed, but helpless. She sics Captain American on Spidey, but his spider-senses make it simple to dodge Cap’s shield attack. Spidey snags the shield out of the air and bonks Cap on the head with it for a KO. Next up, Punisher takes a few potshots at the webslinger from a nearby roof, but that spider-sense is hard to beat- Pete dodges the hail of bullets and makes his way to the rooftop. He can’t help mocking Frank as he evades swings of his combat knife. “Um, you know I have spider-senses right? So snipers aren’t really a threat to me. Also, I can climb walls, so hiding on a roof? Bad idea. Oh, and did I mention I’m 50 times stronger than a normal human?” as he punches the Punisher’s lights out, for a second KO.
Spidey is 3 for 3, and Mariah knows she needs to bring out the big guns, so the Silver Surfer descends from the skies on his gleaming board, lobbing a few blasts of The Power Cosmic at Mr. Parker. Pete snags the bottom of Norin Radd’s board with a web as he passes, and the Surfer tries valiantly to slam Spidey into any obstruction he can find. Pete barely manages to avoid being pancaked, but takes advantage of a convenient light post to stick himself and change the Surfer’s trajectory- right into an oncoming semi. The Surfer probably survives, but it’ll take him a while to clear his head and peel himself off the grill of that truck, and by then he’ll be miles away.
Starting to worry that Spidey is unstoppable, she summons Victor Von Doom. Spidey’s punches barely faze the Latverian despot, his armor is too tough. He grabs Pete and sends a surge of electricity through his armor, one thing even spider-reflexes can’t dodge so easily. Pete struggles, but it’s no use- he’s finally been defeated, by Doom!
Well, after a long stretch of victories, this comes as a hard blow, but I am determined to rise to the challenge. Zombie Lincoln! I Choose You! Yes, our 16th president wakes from his eternal rest and claws his way back to the surface. The Doombots close in on him, but he uses his leet wrestling skills and zombie strength to great effect, tossing them one into another until they are just a pile of scrap. He shambles toward Dr. Doom and grabs him! Doom once again turns up the juice on his armor, electrical energy cascades over the two of them. Zombie Lincoln just grins and says “Hello? Zombie?” and suplexes the metal-clad king to the ground. Sitting on Doom’s chest, he gets a good grip and pries the mask from his foe’s visage. Victor slinks off in ignominy, and Honest Abe claims the mask for his own!
Grinning like a fool, I ask “So! Who will end the terror of Zombie Doom Lincoln?”
Mariah thinks for a few moments, before replying “My brother Samuel.”
I’m a bit stunned. Nobody’s ever put up an actual person before. Well, not a regular person, anyway. I ask if she really wants to do that- what if he loses? She says “He won’t.” I admire her confidence. I guess your older brother is always sort of a hero, right? So we call him over from the game of Pandemic he’s playing across the room.
I explain the situation. “It’s you against the triple might of Zombie Doom Lincoln. Are you ready?” He nods, and we throw. I choose scissors. He throws rock. Astounded, I stammer “So… how do you beat him?” His reply, just before he turns to go back to his game:
“Abraham Lincoln always favored scissors.”
Made. Of. Win.