fungus gnome, magic doorknob, hump lady, carrion kayak

Some kids have drawn up their characters for D&D and brought them to me for my assessment. One of them, the artist assures me, is a Fungus Gnome. It certainly looks like one. I didn’t know that was an available player race, but hell, it’s not like I’m up on the recent books. The other is possibly some kind of robot or golem made from hurricane refuse- bedposts, hinges, truss plates, fenders, whatever. It has a magic doorknob that you can put on any surface and then open a door into it.

For whatever reason I am trying to escape pursuit in this institutional building, as I so often am in these sorts of places. But this time when I get trapped in a stairwell, I have the magic doorknob, and use it to make a door in the wall of the landing and flee into…

A crowded field. Some kind of gathering going on here- family picnic, or some such. Wedding, maybe? Suddenly an old woman comes running at breakneck speed through the crowd hollering at the top of her lungs, pursued by a young man in a luchador mask. The people calm them down and try to find out what happens. The old lady keeps repeating something about humping her, and everyone comes to the conclusion that the man in the mask made some inappropriate advances toward her. He is escorted off and she wanders off toward the punch bowl. Several minutes later this happens again, with a completely different person chasing the old lady. After some confusion it turns out that the old lady is nutty as a fruitcake and has been going up to random people and demanding that they hump her, and they have just been trying to chase her off, or something like that. She is quite put out when it is explained to her that such behavior is inappropriate. I personally think she is senile (if she wasn’t already suffering from mental illness) and beyond negotiating social niceties with.

I decide it’s time to leave, so I get in a kayak with K. and begin paddling away. Nevermind that there is no water. We seem to paddle just fine, albeit slowly, along the sidewalk. We get to a field with some trees, between which are spider webs bearing large spiders. Also something keeps stinging us- either needles from the plants, or darts from blowguns, or spider stingers, or something, we can’t quite figure it out. K. wants to go back, but I am confident that if we just press on we’ll be fine, and we come out on the other side soon enough. Except that here is a carrion field, full of unidentifiable corpses being gnawed on by jackals, hyenas, and assorted other eaters of the dead. Some ears perk up at our arrival, and I make haste to turn that mofo around and retreat as fast as I can paddle. Fortunately we escape back to the sidewalk and K. is slightly indignant that we didn’t just go the way she wanted to in the first place.


I didn’t realize it until I was typing this out, how directly the last few images come from playing STALKER so much lately… pushing through areas where pain comes out of the air (radiation) and the carrion fields full of canine creatures gnawing the dead (mutant dogs eating the corpses of fallen stalkers). Fun!


~ by oberon the fool on August 30, 2010.

2 Responses to “fungus gnome, magic doorknob, hump lady, carrion kayak”

  1. So, yeah, in the future you’d better listen to me! Also? Maybe it’s good that our kayaking adventures haven’t worked out so far this season… PK at work said she went up to that place I wanted to try on Lake Geneva and that after kayaking for a couple hours with her husband (they had a grand time – no spider attacks or carrion fields or canine creatures), they returned and saw people paddle-boarding (the other thing I want to try). The guy at the rental place offered to let them try it for free for a few minutes, but they declined (not dressed for falling in the lake). Want To Try!

    I somehow missed this post for a really long time. Maybe because you haven’t made one in a really long time. Make. More.

  2. The unfortunate thing is that so many people are beyond negotiating social niceties who haven’t the excuse of senility. Or, perhaps, they are the enlightened ones… beyond such trivial things.

    I’m a bad stalker and haven’t stalked my friends beyond FB for awhile. Stupid FB! How I love you…

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